psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
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My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday