Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
You Might Also Like
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
i now pronounce you bounced.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”