Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
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The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
accurate
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I WON A HAM TODAY
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too