Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
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[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
taking June’s advice to heart
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’