me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
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no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
The news is so predictable nowadays
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Barbie gone wild
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.