PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
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If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
IT’S-A ME,
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad