PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
You Might Also Like
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I hope this email finds you in a well
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.