Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
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Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
i did the math
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Happy birthday to all the women
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.