Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
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Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*