Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
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CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
😎 🍻
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above