Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
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Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.