Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
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CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I think I’m having a stroke
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary