Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
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Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*