@nicfit75: Pugs. Because you can't own E.T.
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@Book_Krazy: Boss: You're late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired Me: Well I didn't know! I ducked out early on Friday
@Contwixt: My niece asked me what it's like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
@jergarl: Wife: Were you drunk last night? Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why? W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos M: Ohhh