Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
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I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you