Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
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I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no