Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
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Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Worth a try
still the best tweet of the year by far
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.