@dysalexia: Pulled out all of my eyelashes so I can make more wishes. 1st wish: MONEY! 2nd wish: FRIENDS! 3rd wish: eyelashes :(
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@ComedicBust: [hiding in a pantry during a robbery] Wife: [terrified and crying] Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can't taste the difference.
@TheBoydP: I had a bowl of Cap'n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
@BlindVigil: "To label you "divine" would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence. ... and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you're up?"