I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
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Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.