[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
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driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s