[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
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Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Good morning y’all ☀️
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
These aliens are taking forever.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer