[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
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When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
mood
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly