[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
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I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[montage of me giving-up]
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero