[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
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Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants