[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
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Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???