[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
What even happened today?
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I hope Alan is OK
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there