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I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
finally found a reasonable question
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.