[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
You Might Also Like
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet: