[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Damn he played himself
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.