[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Duolingo getting serious.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.