*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
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him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs