*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
The USS B port
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.