[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
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Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
A new level of troll.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.