[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
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me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”