You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
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The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
So glad we cleared that up
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.