*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
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My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”