*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?