*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
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Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Children of the corn 🌽
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream