If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
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The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Every haunted house movie:
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here