*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous