Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
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outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat