“i miss shittin on people”
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Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
You know…for fall…
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.