what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
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Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Ovenable?
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.