*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
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I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
the prophecies have been fulfilled
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?