*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
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INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
What about second breakfast?
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
こいつ天才
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before