[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
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Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
The internet is full of many things
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
three things we don’t talk about
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless