*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
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Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Happy Star Wars day!
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.