$4 #usedbooks
You Might Also Like
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
there’s probably a fee though
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason