*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
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I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you