[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
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[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
My first son he is wonderful
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.