*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
You Might Also Like
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
britain’s three elite institutions
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.