Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
You Might Also Like
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale